A Post for You

Hi.

A couple of weeks ago I started this blog. I joined a blogging class to try to make a real go out of it. Though to be honest the blog is purely for my own benefit – my own personal growth, my own personal mental stabilization, for me. My own. My love. My precious.

Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Besides, you know me. You get it. Anyways, for one of the assignments of the blog we were instructed to write for someone else. As you can imagine this stumped me, as this is my blog. For me. For my needs. While I love the idea of people reading about my obstacles and goals, at the heart of this is selfish me. So I was particularly stumped when I read the assignment. I sat and pondered it for quite a while. And then it hit me.

I’d write to you.

Surprising, I know. Especially since we haven’t talked in so long. Days, weeks, months go by that I don’t think of you. But then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, something – a sound, a scent, a line in a book – will remind me of you. And then you are on my mind for days, weeks on end.

I’m still extremely angry and hurt and disappointed with you. I’m still not ready to invite you back into my life. To be honest, I don’t know if I will ever be.

But that doesn’t erase the past – it doesn’t change all that we were to each other, all that we shared. It doesn’t take away the memories. The good ones when we laughed and joked and talked and planned and truly bonded and developed our relationship. But it also doesn’t take away the bad memories. The ones where you betrayed my trust, deceived everyone around us, destroyed the bond that held us together.

And still you reside in my mind. You are still in my heart. And that’s why I wanted to write to you today. Even if you never read this, even if you do but don’t realize that it’s to you. I need to say some things to you. But most importantly, I need you to know something.

I forgive you.

I don’t trust you. I don’t want our relationship back. I’m still so angry with you. I think to what you did and my blood boils and hot tears of disappointment come to my eyes. Still. To this day. And it baffles me why I can’t let it go. Why I can’t shake you out of my mind and out of my heart. I hear a story about you and my ears perk and I become inquisitive into your well being. I see a picture of you and I immediately feel the need to binge and cyber stalk to see what else I can find. And I realize it’s because I still do truly care about you.

I forgive you.

I don’t want to care about you. But I do. You were so important to me, I guess it’s natural. I mean, if you think about the bond that we had, it was pretty special. If you think about the bond that we thought we would always have…it’s heartbreaking. I can’t believe that you would spend so many months lying to me. I can’t believe you made the decisions that you did – that you acted the way you did. That you lashed out and hurt all of those who loved you, who looked up to you, who trusted you so implicitly, so innocently.

I forgive you.

But I also want to tell you that I take responsibility for my share in the whole thing. I know that sometimes I can be hard to approach. I know I have a very strong sense of right and wrong – that sometimes it seems like I don’t have an grays, that it’s all black and white to me. I apologize if I made you feel that you couldn’t talk to me about what you were going through, about what you were being tempted with, and ultimately about what actions your decisions led you to make. And that’s part of what makes me so angry. Because even though you and I both know I can seem that way, you know that is not how I am. You of all people know that I am so approachable, have such an open and receiving heart. You even complimented me multiple times on how I always looked for the good in people, always was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I forgive you.

When everything came out in the open, I know I disappointed you with my reaction. I wasn’t what you needed me to be. A part of that was I couldn’t condone your behavior. I didn’t want to give you that pass so that you could go on and continue with that behavior and devastate the lives of others that you would encounter. I could have done it in a better way. I realize that now, and for that I am sorry.

I forgive you.

I really, truly do want the best for you. I want you to be happy and healthy and safe and sound. I want you to have everything you want and to succeed at everything you try. I want you to grow as a person. To recognize your faults and to embrace them and work to make them your ally and not your enemy. I want you to rejoice in your strength and all those beautiful qualities that make you you.

I forgive you.

 

For you. And for me. So that we can both have the healthier mind and heart that we want to have. That we deserve to have. Jesus said to forgive seventy times seven times. Truth be told, I’d forgive you more than that. Because forgiveness isn’t just for the person who did the wronging, but for the person who was wronged. It takes the stain out of the heart and gives a sense of peace. It doesn’t take away the wrong but it does give the control back.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I hope you forgive me. As selfish as it sounds, I forgive me. I know the mistakes I made and will work hard to make sure I don’t make those mistakes again. But I do forgive me.

I forgive you.

Goodbye.

 

 

 

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